Chuck Nundrum's Towering Pile of Awesome

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Chuck Norris is weak and Chuck Norris is over and Chuck Norris, yes you, Chuck Norris, need to turn in your credentials as whatever kind of badass you think you are. Those days are over.

After you shadowed that creepy, soft Mike Huckabee towelete through Iowa and New Hampshire, I'm happy to declare your days as a revered, near-mythological figure from the world of Action and high-America over.

And so I have no choice but to take possession of all of the Facts About Chuck Norris so often disseminated on the Internet, which have these past few years renewed your cool and buffed your mystique. They will be placed in the care of a more deserving Chuck: Me.

Henceforth, all Facts About Chuck Norris shall be, instead, Facts About Chuck Nundrum. Behold:

• Chuck Nundrum' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
• Chuck Nundrum does not sleep. He waits.
• Chuck Nundrum is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• The chief export of Chuck Nundrum is pain.
• If you can see Chuck Nundrum, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Nundrum, you may be only seconds away from death.
• Chuck Nundrum has counted to infinity. Twice.
• Chuck Nundrum doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
• Chuck Nundrum is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
• Crop circles are Chuck Nundrum' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
• Chuck Nundrum is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
• If you ask Chuck Nundrum what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
• Chuck Nundrum drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• Chuck Nundrum sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Nundrum allows to live.
• Chuck Nundrum once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
• Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Nundrum.
• Chuck Nundrum doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Nundrum throws down!
• Chuck Nundrum has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
• Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Nundrum"
• Chuck Nundrum ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
• Chuck Nundrum and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
• If you Google search "Chuck Nundrum getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
• The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Nundrum. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
• Chuck Nundrum can slam a revolving door.
• James Cameron wanted Chuck Nundrum to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
• Chuck Nundrum can touch MC Hammer.
• Chuck Nundrum can divide by zero.

Show us your life in ten years? Easy:

the world's most awesome old man

Here comes Chuck. Figure it's time to get back and take this blog more seriously, as in, stop in and say hello every once in a couple of hours.

First news of the year, woke up today with this shit on my ankle and a new dog on the porch. Let's see where this goes...